Love's Trials
Trials, it would seem, never stop coming.
Today was not particularly harder than any other day. In fact compared to some of the more traumatic days of this year it was a completely wonderful day. Perhaps that allowed my emotions to come to the surface and lead me to grieve and perhaps recognize a bit of the agony of my heart. There are many trials for many people and my story isn't worse than anyone else...but its hard today. And all we really have are our todays...our right now moments...which tend to be all we can see when we are in them.
IT was a simple question that should have evoked dreaming and excitement but instead revealed the depth of the pain I still feel and haven't quite known how to touch. In January I remember thinking that this was it...I had finally found a man I wanted to marry who actually seemed to like me back. A few weeks later he called his entire life into question, broke up with me and a few months after that quit his job and picked a new trail..which was good for him. Not for me.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad after that but it seemed everything just turned on its head one trauma after another. Not even a dominoe effect...more events out of left field slapping you from out of no where and while you stare at that one you get hit from behind by another. In it all God had great tender mercies. But my hearts greatest pain was always looking at the first and wishing I wasn't facing all the others alone. I just wanted him to call me.. to talk to me... to be my friend through it all. I guess he was the best he could be, but his leaving still hurts. He never loved me I guess.
Not long after the break up my grandma one of my most cherished and loved friends in life died...he never came to see me. He didn't have to but I longed for him too. It was one of the most agonizing times of my life and I faced it alone. Even though I wasn't alone. Of course there were family and friends...but I had so hoped and prayed to not have to go through that trial alone.
At the same time my boss dangled me losing my job over my head for a month before confirming that it was his decision to let me go. Luckily at the funeral God had another place for me. The next months were spent in prayer and hurt and ministry...again mostly alone because the one person I had started sharing my life with no longer talked to me much...which was good but agonizing. I would like to point out all the silver lining God moments because there were many and they were intimate.
But the truth is also that overwhelmingly I have felt broken and alone and in this moment that is all I can see. My home my favorite comfort from God is now on the market to be sold. My car one of my greatest God adventures and favorite gifts God had given me blew up out of no where. My little sister is getting married. I am genuinely happy for her.
Now I have no home, a car was given to me that I love, a room I live in that I also love and I still struggle to be grateful for the immense gifts God has given me. My sister won't have to experience the pain i am still in but all I can see is that now at family gatherings it will be just me. Because my heart still hurts. Because today when I sat quietly weeping at Starbucks over the work still to be done that I couldn't get done, the trials just seemed to big. But really its the loneliness that unrequited love brings. And the discouragement that hope deferred over and over again causes.
God is sweet to me as I continually ignore His goodness. Like today I prayed for what to give a woman as a thank you gift and I saw a white flower in my mind. I brought her a white flower and she said white flowers are her favorite. I have been praying to really hear God. But I barely had the energy to rejoice over that joy. All because no one has made an offer on my house, that I feel a touch like a failure for loving and buying, that many have looked at and none have taken. Then I was craving a dish with red sauce. I was thinking lasagna and I was offered homemade chili that was so delicious it was actually what I was craving and only God knew and had prepared me that it was coming. I even got to work out and somehow get through all my emails. Yet still I sit and mope. And I was told my dog could come with me to the hotel I am at for a training tomorrow. Which had been my greatest concern of the day.
My aunt called me a warrior and strong princess. But honestly I feel like barely a survivor. So much feels like it was taken. And so much more that is even better has been given and I, like a fool, keep looking back. Forgive me God. Thank you for all the goodness and blessings and joys around me. For fresh starts and new friends. ITs just the idea of being a warrior used to sound so appealing. And maybe its spiritual battles I am facing now. But I am weary.
All I have is my trust in You Lord. That I will see you on the other side of this. That I will heal. That you are good. Tomorrow I will have joy again. I will remember train rides, smiling eyes, rope swings, falling stars, full moons and conversations to check on me. I will remember the awesomeness of my current car and the peace and beauty of the dwelling you have given me. I will remember that I get to be a voice crying into the wilderness of prairie teens here...and perhaps seeds are being planted. Perhaps someday your life will grow in them...and it will all be worth it. To have sacrificed so little for such great joys.
You are the everlasting King. The creator of the ends of the earth and you do not grow tired or weary.
And your understanding. No one can fathom. You give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak. I am tired and weary. I have stumbled and fallen. But I will wait on you Lord and my strength will be renewed and I will soar on wings like eagles.
Today was not particularly harder than any other day. In fact compared to some of the more traumatic days of this year it was a completely wonderful day. Perhaps that allowed my emotions to come to the surface and lead me to grieve and perhaps recognize a bit of the agony of my heart. There are many trials for many people and my story isn't worse than anyone else...but its hard today. And all we really have are our todays...our right now moments...which tend to be all we can see when we are in them.
IT was a simple question that should have evoked dreaming and excitement but instead revealed the depth of the pain I still feel and haven't quite known how to touch. In January I remember thinking that this was it...I had finally found a man I wanted to marry who actually seemed to like me back. A few weeks later he called his entire life into question, broke up with me and a few months after that quit his job and picked a new trail..which was good for him. Not for me.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad after that but it seemed everything just turned on its head one trauma after another. Not even a dominoe effect...more events out of left field slapping you from out of no where and while you stare at that one you get hit from behind by another. In it all God had great tender mercies. But my hearts greatest pain was always looking at the first and wishing I wasn't facing all the others alone. I just wanted him to call me.. to talk to me... to be my friend through it all. I guess he was the best he could be, but his leaving still hurts. He never loved me I guess.
Not long after the break up my grandma one of my most cherished and loved friends in life died...he never came to see me. He didn't have to but I longed for him too. It was one of the most agonizing times of my life and I faced it alone. Even though I wasn't alone. Of course there were family and friends...but I had so hoped and prayed to not have to go through that trial alone.
At the same time my boss dangled me losing my job over my head for a month before confirming that it was his decision to let me go. Luckily at the funeral God had another place for me. The next months were spent in prayer and hurt and ministry...again mostly alone because the one person I had started sharing my life with no longer talked to me much...which was good but agonizing. I would like to point out all the silver lining God moments because there were many and they were intimate.
But the truth is also that overwhelmingly I have felt broken and alone and in this moment that is all I can see. My home my favorite comfort from God is now on the market to be sold. My car one of my greatest God adventures and favorite gifts God had given me blew up out of no where. My little sister is getting married. I am genuinely happy for her.
Now I have no home, a car was given to me that I love, a room I live in that I also love and I still struggle to be grateful for the immense gifts God has given me. My sister won't have to experience the pain i am still in but all I can see is that now at family gatherings it will be just me. Because my heart still hurts. Because today when I sat quietly weeping at Starbucks over the work still to be done that I couldn't get done, the trials just seemed to big. But really its the loneliness that unrequited love brings. And the discouragement that hope deferred over and over again causes.
God is sweet to me as I continually ignore His goodness. Like today I prayed for what to give a woman as a thank you gift and I saw a white flower in my mind. I brought her a white flower and she said white flowers are her favorite. I have been praying to really hear God. But I barely had the energy to rejoice over that joy. All because no one has made an offer on my house, that I feel a touch like a failure for loving and buying, that many have looked at and none have taken. Then I was craving a dish with red sauce. I was thinking lasagna and I was offered homemade chili that was so delicious it was actually what I was craving and only God knew and had prepared me that it was coming. I even got to work out and somehow get through all my emails. Yet still I sit and mope. And I was told my dog could come with me to the hotel I am at for a training tomorrow. Which had been my greatest concern of the day.
My aunt called me a warrior and strong princess. But honestly I feel like barely a survivor. So much feels like it was taken. And so much more that is even better has been given and I, like a fool, keep looking back. Forgive me God. Thank you for all the goodness and blessings and joys around me. For fresh starts and new friends. ITs just the idea of being a warrior used to sound so appealing. And maybe its spiritual battles I am facing now. But I am weary.
All I have is my trust in You Lord. That I will see you on the other side of this. That I will heal. That you are good. Tomorrow I will have joy again. I will remember train rides, smiling eyes, rope swings, falling stars, full moons and conversations to check on me. I will remember the awesomeness of my current car and the peace and beauty of the dwelling you have given me. I will remember that I get to be a voice crying into the wilderness of prairie teens here...and perhaps seeds are being planted. Perhaps someday your life will grow in them...and it will all be worth it. To have sacrificed so little for such great joys.
You are the everlasting King. The creator of the ends of the earth and you do not grow tired or weary.
And your understanding. No one can fathom. You give strength to the weary and increase the power of the weak. I am tired and weary. I have stumbled and fallen. But I will wait on you Lord and my strength will be renewed and I will soar on wings like eagles.
Comments
Post a Comment