When Hallmark Fails
Single and 38 Thanksgiving
I walk down the stairs. Alone. The song so this is Christmas running through my head. I don’t really know the lyrics just that it’s not a really happy song.
I realize I am in an awkward place in life right now. Entering middle age alone. Not really sure what I am hoping for or aiming for in the future just highly aware of where I am. And where I am not. And that which I can’t catch up on and not sure how to catch up on.
Just me my parents and aunt and uncle. All people I adore. There is a guy I am talking to, kind of. Technically I’m not sure what I am hoping for.
I found old love letters from when Caine and I first started dating. Before I let him down. Before he let me down. Before we broke each other’s hearts and moved on. They say it’s better to be single than married in a miserable relationship. I hope that doesn’t mean I have to be single forever.
Hallmark movies used to give me hope. Now I watch them like an alien watching a foreign language film with no subtitles. You think you get what is happening. Some things tug at your heart strings and then sometimes you just stare because a relationship working out and not becoming one sided is such a foreign concept your heart can’t even engage.
Looking back at Christmas last year. So in love with David. Longing for him to feel loved and adored. Not even noticing that he didn’t share the same longing for me. What would it be like to be with someone who could match me in wanting to show affection.
Mom said love is real. Don’t give up hope. I don’t think I have. I’m just numb.
I walk down the stairs. Alone. The song so this is Christmas running through my head. I don’t really know the lyrics just that it’s not a really happy song.
I realize I am in an awkward place in life right now. Entering middle age alone. Not really sure what I am hoping for or aiming for in the future just highly aware of where I am. And where I am not. And that which I can’t catch up on and not sure how to catch up on.
Just me my parents and aunt and uncle. All people I adore. There is a guy I am talking to, kind of. Technically I’m not sure what I am hoping for.
I found old love letters from when Caine and I first started dating. Before I let him down. Before he let me down. Before we broke each other’s hearts and moved on. They say it’s better to be single than married in a miserable relationship. I hope that doesn’t mean I have to be single forever.
Hallmark movies used to give me hope. Now I watch them like an alien watching a foreign language film with no subtitles. You think you get what is happening. Some things tug at your heart strings and then sometimes you just stare because a relationship working out and not becoming one sided is such a foreign concept your heart can’t even engage.
Looking back at Christmas last year. So in love with David. Longing for him to feel loved and adored. Not even noticing that he didn’t share the same longing for me. What would it be like to be with someone who could match me in wanting to show affection.
Mom said love is real. Don’t give up hope. I don’t think I have. I’m just numb.
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