Love in a Single Woman's Financial Failure
The pang from my first finance class still hits me. The realization " I have a wound I have never seen before" One that is deep and angry at God, full and blistery. I will have to deal with it ...I have no idea how to cope with this pain and anger...
Sitting in class I couldn't help thinking, "I am not alone in this money stuff." Most women never get a chance to get out...nor process the extremely emotionally taxing side of getting out of debt. I had a couple of "Ah Hah" moments with God.
The first was when I realized how extreme my emotions, regarding money, were. One of the first questions they asked was what do you think about when you think of 'budget?" Everyone in the class said, plan, accountability etc... In my mind I was screaming "Bondage, jail, no freedom, never able to buy anything nice or that I like..." and I mean very snidely screaming it. There was no tea party politeness about my inner voices thoughts on budgeting.
I started to ask myself where this anger was coming from which lead me to another 'ah hah' with God moment. Suddenly it hit me that one reason this was so hard now, whereas it had been easier when I was younger was that I had tried living without restraint...living in pure financial gluttony and the immediate gratification felt great. Its like if you have never kissed anyone, never cuddled, or experienced love...and especially if you don't know it exists...then its easy to say no to something you don't know. But the more you do it the harder it is to get away. I never was an emotional spender...but as I looked back over the last year I see that I have been practicing it. And it is time to quit. It is time, once again, to tell that which is killing me 'no' so that I can have greater life.
As the leaders went through the outline of the plan they laid out the 5 Big goals. Which they emphasized were not about meeting quickly, but are to be life time goals. 1) Emergency saving plan. 2) Pay off debt 3) 3-6 month income saved up 4) retirement 5) mortgage. Then they gave an analogy and again my heart responded with great feeling. One of the leaders talked about biking Dinosaur hill and timing himself and trying to go faster and faster. HE told how one time he broke several bones in his back biking and how, in blowing out again the other day his wife begged him to stop biking like that and to instead think about his kids and his future. He reminded us as a class that not blowing out and making a plan and learning to stick with it is about our family and our future.
Then it hit. The little woman inside of me who likes to get all feisty and emotional. I screamed in my head "God, What FUTURE? WHAT FAMILY?!!!" and then I just wanted to cry. It hit me that always before I had wanted to be financially stable, to have good finances to offer to my husband and our future. To be a responsible Proverbs 31 woman. Then last year when my heart shattered and I lost hope of all that... I lost my bearings even fiscally. With out realizing it i started buying all the things I always wanted but had always said no to. Looking back I saw that I had then started emotionally spending because deep in my heart, where I refused to look, I was saying 'screw you God!' only I was only hurting me and easing the pain with temporary pleasures of nice clothes and shoes, justifiably some stuff I really needed but mostly stuff taken, not wisely waited upon.
I still need to process this hurt and anger with God more, because I know it is ill based and filled with lies. And I am so glad God loves me in spite of it. Part of me just wants to find someone to move on and have a family with. But as I look at my heart and my life I see that I can't. I can't move forward into something new and I can't move back. In the area of romance I am completely stuck, hopelessly lost, completely broken, and really....feeling that there will never be romantic love for me again. But then the hopeless romantic in me, whom I can never kill, beats her little wings and says God has a plan! ITs going to be great maybe forward maybe back. But it will be a miracle and it will be good.
I realize that I am surrounded by love, people whom love me and whom I love. And really I will love them all better the more grounded I am in my finances. Whether this leads me to marriage and family or untold adventures...regardless. I am GREATEFUL God forgives and turns our trash into beauty and riches.
Sitting in class I couldn't help thinking, "I am not alone in this money stuff." Most women never get a chance to get out...nor process the extremely emotionally taxing side of getting out of debt. I had a couple of "Ah Hah" moments with God.
The first was when I realized how extreme my emotions, regarding money, were. One of the first questions they asked was what do you think about when you think of 'budget?" Everyone in the class said, plan, accountability etc... In my mind I was screaming "Bondage, jail, no freedom, never able to buy anything nice or that I like..." and I mean very snidely screaming it. There was no tea party politeness about my inner voices thoughts on budgeting.
I started to ask myself where this anger was coming from which lead me to another 'ah hah' with God moment. Suddenly it hit me that one reason this was so hard now, whereas it had been easier when I was younger was that I had tried living without restraint...living in pure financial gluttony and the immediate gratification felt great. Its like if you have never kissed anyone, never cuddled, or experienced love...and especially if you don't know it exists...then its easy to say no to something you don't know. But the more you do it the harder it is to get away. I never was an emotional spender...but as I looked back over the last year I see that I have been practicing it. And it is time to quit. It is time, once again, to tell that which is killing me 'no' so that I can have greater life.
As the leaders went through the outline of the plan they laid out the 5 Big goals. Which they emphasized were not about meeting quickly, but are to be life time goals. 1) Emergency saving plan. 2) Pay off debt 3) 3-6 month income saved up 4) retirement 5) mortgage. Then they gave an analogy and again my heart responded with great feeling. One of the leaders talked about biking Dinosaur hill and timing himself and trying to go faster and faster. HE told how one time he broke several bones in his back biking and how, in blowing out again the other day his wife begged him to stop biking like that and to instead think about his kids and his future. He reminded us as a class that not blowing out and making a plan and learning to stick with it is about our family and our future.
Then it hit. The little woman inside of me who likes to get all feisty and emotional. I screamed in my head "God, What FUTURE? WHAT FAMILY?!!!" and then I just wanted to cry. It hit me that always before I had wanted to be financially stable, to have good finances to offer to my husband and our future. To be a responsible Proverbs 31 woman. Then last year when my heart shattered and I lost hope of all that... I lost my bearings even fiscally. With out realizing it i started buying all the things I always wanted but had always said no to. Looking back I saw that I had then started emotionally spending because deep in my heart, where I refused to look, I was saying 'screw you God!' only I was only hurting me and easing the pain with temporary pleasures of nice clothes and shoes, justifiably some stuff I really needed but mostly stuff taken, not wisely waited upon.
I still need to process this hurt and anger with God more, because I know it is ill based and filled with lies. And I am so glad God loves me in spite of it. Part of me just wants to find someone to move on and have a family with. But as I look at my heart and my life I see that I can't. I can't move forward into something new and I can't move back. In the area of romance I am completely stuck, hopelessly lost, completely broken, and really....feeling that there will never be romantic love for me again. But then the hopeless romantic in me, whom I can never kill, beats her little wings and says God has a plan! ITs going to be great maybe forward maybe back. But it will be a miracle and it will be good.
I realize that I am surrounded by love, people whom love me and whom I love. And really I will love them all better the more grounded I am in my finances. Whether this leads me to marriage and family or untold adventures...regardless. I am GREATEFUL God forgives and turns our trash into beauty and riches.
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