Standing
a year ago
a year ago
a year ago
during the week for giving thanks I stood at the corner of 5th and love and I said good bye to my heart and hopes and dreams. I think it must have stunned me, shocked me …because I am still standing here
I think it was the right choice. I think I have moved on, but I am still here. Still driving up the same winding dirt road to the same log cabin where hope and magic for the future used to ride on the twirling wafts of smoke from a roaring fire. And twinkle in the eyes of the stars that looked down on giggling girls on late night walks. Only now the walls seem hollow, the people and lives who filled them have stepped into their dreams, married their princes and princesses. They have rode off into the sunsets and started new families in different lands with new and different challenges.
I don't want to stop dreaming. I don't want to stop believing in magic and getting swept off my feet and knowing that there is someone special out there for me…but I can't help but feel the cold hard desire to settle grow stronger and more logical in my mind everyday. To think perhaps to marry anyone if they are good and I trust them would be better than to be alone forever.
But then I think of the one love I walked away from. I kissed and blew him from my hand like a puff of dandelion that has permanently stained me yellow with remembrance. I know I can't have him and I know I will not settle for less than him. But will anyone ever meet his standard. Will anyone ever pursue my heart? Will my heart ever trust again? I see now that the heart of it all was trust... Seeing that my heart didn't trust and unable to hurt the one I loved but knowing the foundation was one i couldn't fix there was no other course of action because without trust how can there be peace and without peace who else would I hurt. Perhaps the best would just be to lock myself away in a tower so that I never have to hurt anyone again.
ITs one of those strange situations. Where we have to stop and ask ourself "ok God how can I know you in this? I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to shut off." My friend reminded me the other night that when we go through pain in life it is like the pains we physically felt in our youth as our bones stretched and strengthened. Our emotional pain is growing pain. So in this week of Thanksgiving I am looking to be Thankful for how I have come to see and know God over the last year. How He has molded me to Him.
I have seen Him be faithful with hearts and lives. HE has provided for me physically and emotionally. He has sent people to take care of me when I felt alone and when I was unable to function on my own. He has defended me to those who would tear me down. He has vindicated me. He has healed the searing pain to a dull thud. He has made a way where there has been no way. He has brought me blessing upon blessing.
He has romanced me…shown me faithfulness and steadfastness even as I have screamed and cried and beat upon his chest and yelled at him for not doing things my way. He has wrapped me in His arms and let me cry. He has given me hope in the midst of despair. He has shown me kindness when I didn't deserve it.
He has cleaned up my messes that I was unable to fix. He has started me over and shown me that His love for me is not based upon the condition of my perfection or fulfillment of detail. He has brought me the water of encouragement from others.
He has taught me how to draw boundaries and how and why to protect them. And though I am weak to protect my boundaries He walks them with me and holds my arms so that I am able to carry the weapons I am learning to use through multiple fumbles.
He has patiently listened to my selfish and redundant ramblings . He has kicked me into gear. He has poured His oil of anointing on me and blessed me with great Joy. He is teaching me how to actively walk out patience and faith when neither are my forte. He is my perseverance and He is worth pursuing. More than anything He is creating in me a desire for Him and HIm alone. How I ache sometimes just to be with Him and free of all the cares of the world.
One year
One year
One year
i thought I would never survive. And though…perhaps I have not thrived I am more than alive. I am standing.
a year ago
a year ago
during the week for giving thanks I stood at the corner of 5th and love and I said good bye to my heart and hopes and dreams. I think it must have stunned me, shocked me …because I am still standing here
I think it was the right choice. I think I have moved on, but I am still here. Still driving up the same winding dirt road to the same log cabin where hope and magic for the future used to ride on the twirling wafts of smoke from a roaring fire. And twinkle in the eyes of the stars that looked down on giggling girls on late night walks. Only now the walls seem hollow, the people and lives who filled them have stepped into their dreams, married their princes and princesses. They have rode off into the sunsets and started new families in different lands with new and different challenges.
I don't want to stop dreaming. I don't want to stop believing in magic and getting swept off my feet and knowing that there is someone special out there for me…but I can't help but feel the cold hard desire to settle grow stronger and more logical in my mind everyday. To think perhaps to marry anyone if they are good and I trust them would be better than to be alone forever.
But then I think of the one love I walked away from. I kissed and blew him from my hand like a puff of dandelion that has permanently stained me yellow with remembrance. I know I can't have him and I know I will not settle for less than him. But will anyone ever meet his standard. Will anyone ever pursue my heart? Will my heart ever trust again? I see now that the heart of it all was trust... Seeing that my heart didn't trust and unable to hurt the one I loved but knowing the foundation was one i couldn't fix there was no other course of action because without trust how can there be peace and without peace who else would I hurt. Perhaps the best would just be to lock myself away in a tower so that I never have to hurt anyone again.
ITs one of those strange situations. Where we have to stop and ask ourself "ok God how can I know you in this? I refuse to be bitter. I refuse to shut off." My friend reminded me the other night that when we go through pain in life it is like the pains we physically felt in our youth as our bones stretched and strengthened. Our emotional pain is growing pain. So in this week of Thanksgiving I am looking to be Thankful for how I have come to see and know God over the last year. How He has molded me to Him.
I have seen Him be faithful with hearts and lives. HE has provided for me physically and emotionally. He has sent people to take care of me when I felt alone and when I was unable to function on my own. He has defended me to those who would tear me down. He has vindicated me. He has healed the searing pain to a dull thud. He has made a way where there has been no way. He has brought me blessing upon blessing.
He has romanced me…shown me faithfulness and steadfastness even as I have screamed and cried and beat upon his chest and yelled at him for not doing things my way. He has wrapped me in His arms and let me cry. He has given me hope in the midst of despair. He has shown me kindness when I didn't deserve it.
He has cleaned up my messes that I was unable to fix. He has started me over and shown me that His love for me is not based upon the condition of my perfection or fulfillment of detail. He has brought me the water of encouragement from others.
He has taught me how to draw boundaries and how and why to protect them. And though I am weak to protect my boundaries He walks them with me and holds my arms so that I am able to carry the weapons I am learning to use through multiple fumbles.
He has patiently listened to my selfish and redundant ramblings . He has kicked me into gear. He has poured His oil of anointing on me and blessed me with great Joy. He is teaching me how to actively walk out patience and faith when neither are my forte. He is my perseverance and He is worth pursuing. More than anything He is creating in me a desire for Him and HIm alone. How I ache sometimes just to be with Him and free of all the cares of the world.
One year
One year
One year
i thought I would never survive. And though…perhaps I have not thrived I am more than alive. I am standing.
Comments
Post a Comment