Joy in the dog nights of singleness
The joy of the Lord is my strength...
I think I never really knew what this meant...in fact I have to say that even now I don't really know what this means. For many singles there is a desire to do life alone, to be free and independent... And maybe to some extent that was me. Though I never would have admitted it. But for many we never really wanted to do life alone. We wanted someone to share the day and journey with, to process decisions and face challenges with. However, life doesn't go the way we plan...in the end the Lord directs our steps, takes us to places of beauty and digs out the ugly that trials seem to reveal.
I find myself sitting in my basement at the corner of fifth and love surrounded by unending projects I can't get done. Breathing in the mildew of wet carpet from my flooded basement that needs to be carried out. Looking at furniture that was given me that is to big for my tiny house. Hours of painting and crack filling that the rain destroyed. A stone cold, hard cement floor that can no longer be covered in carpet remnants because of water leakage. Another floor that flooded but the carpet cant be taken out of because it covers asbestose floor glue...or something I was told was toxic. An unplanted garden, huge patches of deadnlawn that need tilled, an un maid bed, bills I'm trying to pay, a roommate who just lost her job, decks that need repainted so they won't rot...cleaning that needs to be done...a dog that needs to be brushed...etc etc...and I am not thinking about the poor starving people across the world who would consider my house a mansion...no I am only selfishly thinking of me...
I have found myself sobbing the last two days and drinking coffee like its the only way to survive....which may be true...;)
The point is..i am definitely at a low. God does not seem small or gone or even disconnected...i just feel sad and I dont know why. But it did help me that while this is not what I wanted for myself. That this is not my identity I think I am learning about Joy in a new and richer way. You see in my heart I do not see joy or feel it or know how to conjure it up. But I started thinking about God and His goodness. How He works all things to the good How He is joyful and full even when I feel down, lost and empty...and that gave me hope, brought a smile to my face and gave me courage to keep smiling
It hit me at that moment ...perhaps this is what the Joy of the Lord is my strength means. Even when I am empty, at my end, with nothing else...He is my strength to Keep going. I don't have joy but I know He is my joy..He is Joy and therefore I too have joy...i too can go on not because I feel wonderful or anything has changed but because God literally becomes my strength to smile in me when I think I cant anymore. When I dont have any joy to create. ...and that makes me oh so very happy!
Its ok to reach our end, because then we see the richness of God so much more clearly and He is breathtaking to behold.
I think I never really knew what this meant...in fact I have to say that even now I don't really know what this means. For many singles there is a desire to do life alone, to be free and independent... And maybe to some extent that was me. Though I never would have admitted it. But for many we never really wanted to do life alone. We wanted someone to share the day and journey with, to process decisions and face challenges with. However, life doesn't go the way we plan...in the end the Lord directs our steps, takes us to places of beauty and digs out the ugly that trials seem to reveal.
I find myself sitting in my basement at the corner of fifth and love surrounded by unending projects I can't get done. Breathing in the mildew of wet carpet from my flooded basement that needs to be carried out. Looking at furniture that was given me that is to big for my tiny house. Hours of painting and crack filling that the rain destroyed. A stone cold, hard cement floor that can no longer be covered in carpet remnants because of water leakage. Another floor that flooded but the carpet cant be taken out of because it covers asbestose floor glue...or something I was told was toxic. An unplanted garden, huge patches of deadnlawn that need tilled, an un maid bed, bills I'm trying to pay, a roommate who just lost her job, decks that need repainted so they won't rot...cleaning that needs to be done...a dog that needs to be brushed...etc etc...and I am not thinking about the poor starving people across the world who would consider my house a mansion...no I am only selfishly thinking of me...
I have found myself sobbing the last two days and drinking coffee like its the only way to survive....which may be true...;)
The point is..i am definitely at a low. God does not seem small or gone or even disconnected...i just feel sad and I dont know why. But it did help me that while this is not what I wanted for myself. That this is not my identity I think I am learning about Joy in a new and richer way. You see in my heart I do not see joy or feel it or know how to conjure it up. But I started thinking about God and His goodness. How He works all things to the good How He is joyful and full even when I feel down, lost and empty...and that gave me hope, brought a smile to my face and gave me courage to keep smiling
It hit me at that moment ...perhaps this is what the Joy of the Lord is my strength means. Even when I am empty, at my end, with nothing else...He is my strength to Keep going. I don't have joy but I know He is my joy..He is Joy and therefore I too have joy...i too can go on not because I feel wonderful or anything has changed but because God literally becomes my strength to smile in me when I think I cant anymore. When I dont have any joy to create. ...and that makes me oh so very happy!
Its ok to reach our end, because then we see the richness of God so much more clearly and He is breathtaking to behold.
Mathew 28:8
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