A Closed Door and A Tiny Flower
There are some doors we can't close on our own. There are some
doors, that though they may be killing us...keeping us from moving
on...we stand in them frozen and immovable. Even when the hand of God
reaches down and finally seals us from that which we shouldn't
have...ends the hopes and dreams that we had dabbled in...Even then we
stare.
A sealed door, the last vestiges of light from all its hope are no more seen between its cracks. It's ornate carvings of what could have been are etched deeply within its wooden paneling, but all its light is slowly fading. The light that made the door so magical, so hopeful...leaving. Soon it will be only faded wood. Faded memories covered in the vines of life choices and consequences. The path to this door so worn that it looks as if it has been traveled for ages will become over grown and perhaps I will forget how to get here. Forget how to stand at my door of comfort and hope that led to a new world now given to someone else.
Something in my mind niggles like a scratching thought...that the path beside this stream of life continues on to greater and better. But something roots me here staring. And I could stay. I could become like those who never leave the door of yesterday's 'could have beens'. Who stand their holding broken hearts waiting for something to walk through and set them free. I know that the longer I stand the harder it will be. The vines covering this could turn me into a tree.
In my mind my fists slam the door over and and over screaming " I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!" and I want to. I want to hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to hate you for hurting me and never seeing. I want to hate you for not understanding. I want to hate you for constantly putting me down and building me up in such a way that I felt like I was crazy. I want to hate you for being human and hurting and figuring out life in such a way that caught me in the cross hairs. I want to hate you for finding someone new and breaking all your promises. I want to hate you for taking all of me and leaving nothing but your memory. I want to hate you because I don't know if my heart can grow back. If I can ever love or be loved by someone else, since you loved me so beautifully at times.
A gentle whisper flutters the leaves of the trees covering me and they sing one word, "Blessing." I know its true. I know in my heart that I must bless them. But with tears streaming down my face I scream "I DON'T WANT TO BLESS YOU!!!" Over and over I yell this, pulling at my hair. For the first time blessing and forgiveness are two of the hardest choices...two of the last choices that I have any desire to make. But I know that I sit in a perilous position here. If I choose hate, if I choose to not forgive, not bless. I will remain trapped here and the longer I sit in it, the faster and deeper bitterness will come, and all its poison with it.
I breathe out,"I bless you." I cry out the blessing I feel God lay upon my heart for them and it is agony. and I want to end that 'I pray I never see you again', that this closed door means a forever end. But somehow I can see God having other plans. I can see the pain ending. I can see life moving on and this closed door becoming nothing but the ghost of a memory. I can catch a glimmer of a maybe someday when our lives have moved on... of maybe getting to be friends...maybe not having this pain in my heart against them as anything more than something to laugh about.
For now I stagger to my feet and walk away from the end. At least I hope I am walking away...surely there will be days when I stumble back and try to pry at what might be and scream again and again...moments when salt will be rubbed in my wounds. But I will walk on, and hope I never return to that closed and broken door of my hope.
The trees continue to whisper "Blessing, Blessing, Blessing..." Like a soothing balm to my soul not just for how to deal with them but also for me and for my future. There lies a path before me I never saw. The slope is gentle and the trees look like mother's arms desiring to embrace me. I walk beneath their shade and I see that the blessing is not just for them but also for me.
The ache in my heart is dull. It pulses in my head that it will never love again, and truly no doors seem to beckon. No story of romance kindles even the tiniest spark. Maybe this is it. Maybe I will just be in this place of dull life and content beauty. Is a life without romance any life at all? But how can you have romance without love. And how can the heart love when it has no passion or desire to love again? A tiny flower smiles beside the path, its vibrant colors a spark of hope, of beauty to come from this dead grass. I smile back and place it beside my heart as I walk on.
A sealed door, the last vestiges of light from all its hope are no more seen between its cracks. It's ornate carvings of what could have been are etched deeply within its wooden paneling, but all its light is slowly fading. The light that made the door so magical, so hopeful...leaving. Soon it will be only faded wood. Faded memories covered in the vines of life choices and consequences. The path to this door so worn that it looks as if it has been traveled for ages will become over grown and perhaps I will forget how to get here. Forget how to stand at my door of comfort and hope that led to a new world now given to someone else.
Something in my mind niggles like a scratching thought...that the path beside this stream of life continues on to greater and better. But something roots me here staring. And I could stay. I could become like those who never leave the door of yesterday's 'could have beens'. Who stand their holding broken hearts waiting for something to walk through and set them free. I know that the longer I stand the harder it will be. The vines covering this could turn me into a tree.
In my mind my fists slam the door over and and over screaming " I HATE YOU!! I HATE YOU!!" and I want to. I want to hate you with every fiber of my being. I want to hate you for hurting me and never seeing. I want to hate you for not understanding. I want to hate you for constantly putting me down and building me up in such a way that I felt like I was crazy. I want to hate you for being human and hurting and figuring out life in such a way that caught me in the cross hairs. I want to hate you for finding someone new and breaking all your promises. I want to hate you for taking all of me and leaving nothing but your memory. I want to hate you because I don't know if my heart can grow back. If I can ever love or be loved by someone else, since you loved me so beautifully at times.
A gentle whisper flutters the leaves of the trees covering me and they sing one word, "Blessing." I know its true. I know in my heart that I must bless them. But with tears streaming down my face I scream "I DON'T WANT TO BLESS YOU!!!" Over and over I yell this, pulling at my hair. For the first time blessing and forgiveness are two of the hardest choices...two of the last choices that I have any desire to make. But I know that I sit in a perilous position here. If I choose hate, if I choose to not forgive, not bless. I will remain trapped here and the longer I sit in it, the faster and deeper bitterness will come, and all its poison with it.
I breathe out,"I bless you." I cry out the blessing I feel God lay upon my heart for them and it is agony. and I want to end that 'I pray I never see you again', that this closed door means a forever end. But somehow I can see God having other plans. I can see the pain ending. I can see life moving on and this closed door becoming nothing but the ghost of a memory. I can catch a glimmer of a maybe someday when our lives have moved on... of maybe getting to be friends...maybe not having this pain in my heart against them as anything more than something to laugh about.
For now I stagger to my feet and walk away from the end. At least I hope I am walking away...surely there will be days when I stumble back and try to pry at what might be and scream again and again...moments when salt will be rubbed in my wounds. But I will walk on, and hope I never return to that closed and broken door of my hope.
The trees continue to whisper "Blessing, Blessing, Blessing..." Like a soothing balm to my soul not just for how to deal with them but also for me and for my future. There lies a path before me I never saw. The slope is gentle and the trees look like mother's arms desiring to embrace me. I walk beneath their shade and I see that the blessing is not just for them but also for me.
The ache in my heart is dull. It pulses in my head that it will never love again, and truly no doors seem to beckon. No story of romance kindles even the tiniest spark. Maybe this is it. Maybe I will just be in this place of dull life and content beauty. Is a life without romance any life at all? But how can you have romance without love. And how can the heart love when it has no passion or desire to love again? A tiny flower smiles beside the path, its vibrant colors a spark of hope, of beauty to come from this dead grass. I smile back and place it beside my heart as I walk on.
Comments
Post a Comment