Love's Waves
I suppose I am learning to ride the waves of life. Since they will always come.
There is this thought in my mind that if I can just reach this one point then the chaos will end. The waves will stop and life will feel peaceful and still. Watching my sister get married has been incredible. I have never seen her so happy. Her groom literally choked up talking about how happy he was to marry her and be a part of our family.
My heart caught with the joy for her, and for me it has brought me to a precipice. I only knew one man who I think loved me like that, but I felt forced to shut my heart of to, now he loves another. So I continue to stand at this precipice alone realizing that the only other man I gave my heart to walked away from it like it was nothing. How do you process loving someone who obviously did not return the affection? And why do I fall for men who have no desire to be married or make me a priority. I am I really so invaluable of a catch? So devoid of allure...Horrible thoughts that plague when waves of emotion overwhelm me for a moment.
Loneliness is not the end of the world. Not being cherished by anyone in particular doesn't really matter, I guess. But it could happen I have started to tell myself. I could fall in love with someone who could also fall in love with me. I say this not because I believe it, but because the opposite void is so dark and depressing...just saying the words, as tiny of a spark as they are, some how gives me hope to stand a little longer. This world just swirls around in chaos and unknowns. The longer I live the more elusive and grander love becomes. The less I understand it, its workings or its calls in our lives.
How does love intermingle with the seemingly mindless waves that come and go and toss and throw us all around? In marriages, in families, in friendships...In death. I lost a friend on Thanksgiving. A wonderful woman, literally a gift from God. So happy for her....so sad for the rest of us. Now I have a flock to Shepherd here in Cheyenne and my heart bursts for them and questions if I am the best for this...and how best to serve them. SO love continues in so many beautiful strands weaving its own story that I cannot control or predict. I suppose surviving the waves of life means...learning to ride the ultimate wave of love...which cannot be controlled, one just learns to hold on and enjoy the ride. In the midst of pain, in the midst of joy, in the midst of all of its different colors and unknowns.
There is this thought in my mind that if I can just reach this one point then the chaos will end. The waves will stop and life will feel peaceful and still. Watching my sister get married has been incredible. I have never seen her so happy. Her groom literally choked up talking about how happy he was to marry her and be a part of our family.
My heart caught with the joy for her, and for me it has brought me to a precipice. I only knew one man who I think loved me like that, but I felt forced to shut my heart of to, now he loves another. So I continue to stand at this precipice alone realizing that the only other man I gave my heart to walked away from it like it was nothing. How do you process loving someone who obviously did not return the affection? And why do I fall for men who have no desire to be married or make me a priority. I am I really so invaluable of a catch? So devoid of allure...Horrible thoughts that plague when waves of emotion overwhelm me for a moment.
Loneliness is not the end of the world. Not being cherished by anyone in particular doesn't really matter, I guess. But it could happen I have started to tell myself. I could fall in love with someone who could also fall in love with me. I say this not because I believe it, but because the opposite void is so dark and depressing...just saying the words, as tiny of a spark as they are, some how gives me hope to stand a little longer. This world just swirls around in chaos and unknowns. The longer I live the more elusive and grander love becomes. The less I understand it, its workings or its calls in our lives.
How does love intermingle with the seemingly mindless waves that come and go and toss and throw us all around? In marriages, in families, in friendships...In death. I lost a friend on Thanksgiving. A wonderful woman, literally a gift from God. So happy for her....so sad for the rest of us. Now I have a flock to Shepherd here in Cheyenne and my heart bursts for them and questions if I am the best for this...and how best to serve them. SO love continues in so many beautiful strands weaving its own story that I cannot control or predict. I suppose surviving the waves of life means...learning to ride the ultimate wave of love...which cannot be controlled, one just learns to hold on and enjoy the ride. In the midst of pain, in the midst of joy, in the midst of all of its different colors and unknowns.
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