Falling into love
I haven't written much this year...and...I am not sure why.
There was a season of my life when I was in my teens where I used to think girls talking about their hearts breaking and the 'agony' of break ups was all melodrama. Not grounded in any truth except hormonal, immature ridiculousness. I thought the pictures of people wanting to give up, even killing themselves over love was beyond ridiculous.
Now I understand. Now I know why they say do not awaken love before it is time because it becomes a passionate beast inside of you that you can't control. Its snakes its way in and out of every aspect of life sometimes speaking as you and sometimes as someone or something else a 'what if' or 'if only voice'. And it is agony.
These seasons of the heart, its ability to feel pain in such unique and acute manners...over and over again is phenomenal. When my best friend was killed my heart felt like it split in two and it was horrible. My first break up hurt. When the man I loved lied to me and then blamed it all on me it hurt in a different way and I wanted to die. When I later broke it off with him again it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and every aspect of my being ached. My heart went numb that night.
And still it keeps beating hoping waiting for more and I just want it to give up because I don't know what to do. I can't help it. How can it long for what it doesn't know it wants. After two years I think I am finally starting to find myself again. To awaken and remember. Forgiveness can happen in a moment but healing can sometimes take a while. I feel like the last two years I lost myself a bit...made some bad choices...made some good choices...
I think ...What if? What if I failed you miserably? What if I.... I want to say you always had me on this pedastle I couldn't make any mistakes...but then it hit me ...did he really ? or did I have myself on the pedastle? and did he feel that condemnation from me? Because what happens when we fall off the pedastle we have put ourselves on? and here I find my heart hurting again and perhaps the reason I haven't written this year is I don't trust my heart...I am not sure if I hear God. How to interpret him etc...and this season is agony. Never have I watched myself drift so aimlessly and felt so helpless to help myself. This is a long dark season that has gone on so long I feel I don't remember when it began and if it were to end what would I do? and yet how can I keep trudging through...knowing my death is imminent....
I wrote that in May. In June God showed me how I had turned marriage and love and romance into an idol in my life (again, sheesh must this be a yearly lesson?!!). He showed me that I was making some choices not for Him and His glory but because I thought they would protect me ..ensure the goodness of my future etc. Basically give me control. So I laid that idol down. Then I fell from my pedastle... put myself in a situation where I made a choice that I NEVER would have made before. A choice that perhaps was not so bad for others but for me was a lowering of my standards. And the man in my mind came out and berated me for failing him...only that man isn't in my life...he couldn't condemn me and I realized it was my own voice condemning me telling me that I was now a failure.
Then another gentle voice floated through my mind "When I am weak then I am strong." and with it the sweetest song that God keeps singing over me every day "ITs your kindness that leads us to repentenace oh Lord. Knowing that you love us no matter what we do. Makes us want to love you too." And I am weak. I am so weak. I keep falling and I don't know if I will make it out, if I will make the best choices but God's loving arms keep surrounding me. He knows it all and HE doesn't condem me or look at me with harsh eyes He just keeps saving me, looking into my eyes and telling me it will be ok. He loves me.
I am so weak, but He is so strong. And for the first time in my life I don't want marriage and family and romance. All I want is more of Him, and His will and I am content to stay here. Doing my best to love those He has placed in my life and to serve them because this is the Love and life He has given me...and it is beautiful. Learning to let go and to Fall more and more into Him and His love.
There was a season of my life when I was in my teens where I used to think girls talking about their hearts breaking and the 'agony' of break ups was all melodrama. Not grounded in any truth except hormonal, immature ridiculousness. I thought the pictures of people wanting to give up, even killing themselves over love was beyond ridiculous.
Now I understand. Now I know why they say do not awaken love before it is time because it becomes a passionate beast inside of you that you can't control. Its snakes its way in and out of every aspect of life sometimes speaking as you and sometimes as someone or something else a 'what if' or 'if only voice'. And it is agony.
These seasons of the heart, its ability to feel pain in such unique and acute manners...over and over again is phenomenal. When my best friend was killed my heart felt like it split in two and it was horrible. My first break up hurt. When the man I loved lied to me and then blamed it all on me it hurt in a different way and I wanted to die. When I later broke it off with him again it felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and every aspect of my being ached. My heart went numb that night.
And still it keeps beating hoping waiting for more and I just want it to give up because I don't know what to do. I can't help it. How can it long for what it doesn't know it wants. After two years I think I am finally starting to find myself again. To awaken and remember. Forgiveness can happen in a moment but healing can sometimes take a while. I feel like the last two years I lost myself a bit...made some bad choices...made some good choices...
I think ...What if? What if I failed you miserably? What if I.... I want to say you always had me on this pedastle I couldn't make any mistakes...but then it hit me ...did he really ? or did I have myself on the pedastle? and did he feel that condemnation from me? Because what happens when we fall off the pedastle we have put ourselves on? and here I find my heart hurting again and perhaps the reason I haven't written this year is I don't trust my heart...I am not sure if I hear God. How to interpret him etc...and this season is agony. Never have I watched myself drift so aimlessly and felt so helpless to help myself. This is a long dark season that has gone on so long I feel I don't remember when it began and if it were to end what would I do? and yet how can I keep trudging through...knowing my death is imminent....
I wrote that in May. In June God showed me how I had turned marriage and love and romance into an idol in my life (again, sheesh must this be a yearly lesson?!!). He showed me that I was making some choices not for Him and His glory but because I thought they would protect me ..ensure the goodness of my future etc. Basically give me control. So I laid that idol down. Then I fell from my pedastle... put myself in a situation where I made a choice that I NEVER would have made before. A choice that perhaps was not so bad for others but for me was a lowering of my standards. And the man in my mind came out and berated me for failing him...only that man isn't in my life...he couldn't condemn me and I realized it was my own voice condemning me telling me that I was now a failure.
Then another gentle voice floated through my mind "When I am weak then I am strong." and with it the sweetest song that God keeps singing over me every day "ITs your kindness that leads us to repentenace oh Lord. Knowing that you love us no matter what we do. Makes us want to love you too." And I am weak. I am so weak. I keep falling and I don't know if I will make it out, if I will make the best choices but God's loving arms keep surrounding me. He knows it all and HE doesn't condem me or look at me with harsh eyes He just keeps saving me, looking into my eyes and telling me it will be ok. He loves me.
I am so weak, but He is so strong. And for the first time in my life I don't want marriage and family and romance. All I want is more of Him, and His will and I am content to stay here. Doing my best to love those He has placed in my life and to serve them because this is the Love and life He has given me...and it is beautiful. Learning to let go and to Fall more and more into Him and His love.
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